Icebreaker Coach

Coach was on inimitable form yesterday after he was drafted in to help out at The Castle for four Americans who had just arrived in town.

He is surely the most amazing icebreaker in the history of caddiekind and should probably be better employed on a full time basis up in Antartica or taking up some prominent position in the diplomatic service.

His potentially tricky client was in his hands after nine holes and calling him ‘Sir Coach’ on the inward half. For he has a slick and wonderfully witty repartee and could talk the hind legs off the proverbial, while having pretty excellent timing. I mean, to say that Coach has the gift of the blarney is to be understating things terribly. I suppose he is from Glasgow.

One of the Americans quizzed us about our national fondness for mutton along the lines ‘so what is all this about Scotsmen and sheep?’ and Coach immediately turns round and says ‘that’s just the way it is’ with a dead pan demeanour and a solemn, reflective tone. But then adding a few seconds later ‘and they don’t complain’.

He gives the read of a putt like describing a work of art in lyrical and expressive Cambuslang cant, while wonderfully wrong footing his somewhat serious and line questioning client on a couple of occasions with the classic cast off comment, ‘it’s a double break’. There is really not a lot you can say to that on some of our greens. Mind you I think this may have been wearing a bit thin on the third double break occasion when the chap intimated that it could well be his putter that is going to be doing the breaking.

However my favourite all day was over a slightly bendy putt on the 16th when Coach said with the utmost earnestness ‘if you get it up I can’t see it missing’.

Magnificent. A memorable line, as his man left it short again!

ps As I am leaving the Castle and chugging up the hill on my hundred quid, second hand Dawes push bike, who comes past me, grinning ear to ear, in a spanking new Audi Cabriolet. The man himself.

Sorry Coach but you are no longer Coach, you are Cabriolet with a lilting and dancing stress on the ‘et’ In fact, Sir Cabriolet.

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