Start to feel vaguely normal again after a horrifying and scary 4 full days and nights of awful anxiety, the DT’s, very poor quality and sporadic sleep, deep sadness and regret.

Just listened to a great podcast SoberLeon about how he fell so many times and it wasn’t till he saw alcohol for what it really was and does to your body that he finally got it and was able to give up. He had tried will power, AA etc but it was this perspective on it that worked. I like this. Not to see it as that tasty and emotional bonding , idealised healthy glass of red but as actual poison. That’s a framer.

And another significant and oh so important thing he says is ‘don’t forget about the pain’ . And that is a massive point. Because after a bit of time if and probably when the idea of controlled drinking comes back in, it is very easy to gloss over what the downside scenario could well be. We can forget the absolute torture of alcohol withdrawal and the time it takes. Just how long we are trapped in that prison of regret. It’s almost unbearable. So we must somehow alert ourselves and remember this and the dangerous position we risk putting ourselves in.This is what CBT works away at. And it’s a huge thing and hard to underestimate the importance of.

Another podcast which hit home was this very transparent and articulate guy who said that no matter how he tried to do it and with so many attempts it always eventually led to a disastrous binge.

This is me.

But anyway that’s enough at the moment .The sun is shining, my wife is so supportive, although deeply anxious,, my tour guiding is going so well, my golf is good and there is so much going well in my life.

My friends too have been so helpful.

I am lucky in so many ways.

On a purely political note though isn’t it great to see so many decent Americans take to the street in Boston etc. This must grow till the people show the clown that enough is enough. This guy thinks he really is God. And God help us. Otherwise America is doomed. This conman has somehow got himself into a very strong position. And the only way now is for people in their masses to show what they feel about this ‘truth social’ maniac who is raping America. It is the biggest con in history and a very sad reflection of our times. Trump and his ‘Truth Social’ are surely the biggest jokes out there. He is big bad. A child. A very deluded and sick, weak man.

Fare forward passengers.

Today I have been lying in bed a lot and looking at podcasts about some people’s experiences. One was very poignant. It said yes you will sometimes wish that you can drink and even be envious of people that are drinking and can drink.

In the time I attended AA no-one ever said that and I wish they had. Because I was really feeling that and I was wondering about everyone else. And I think it put me off AA. I think it’s what is really meant by one day at a time. That there should be daily reminders of the fast forward possible disaster scenarios. And I will certainly be looking at myself in the mirror now everyday and give myself such a reminder.

This facet of the struggle strikes a real chord with me. Because as Samuel Johnson said that humans are so prone to forget. Addiction gats in the way of remembering fast forward and says it’s maybe ok which it isn’t.

And the acceptance of I can’t do it must override this always. There is no wiggle room as one person put it so well.

And with this now my awareness and my journey starts again.

So I am up after an appalling night with the DT’s. Not sure I have ever felt that bad.

So here we go again. I can’t drink.

It’s so so hard though to believe this half way house does not work. But that’s why people get totally dry. They have to.

Just a quick post to get my head round what I did yesterday. Basically I have been in habit of sometimes going for a couple of beers at the Brew Co bar by myself before my wife comes home. I usually just take ten pounds cash and leave my wallet back home. However yesterday I didn’t because I thought I could trust myself.

Ended up getting very drunk and bashing my head on a wall. Poor state indeed.

Back to square one. I have not been honest with my wife either about this and it’s really awful.

I feel terrible at the moment and very depressed. I have only myself to blame of course.

This is hard. I suppose I have to face that I am an alcoholic. But I looked up to Alastair Campbell.

Bur he was honest with himself and his wife.

And I always thought he was a bit of one to be honest. But when he put that beaming photo of himself and Trump up on Instagram in the Oval Office, then that utterly confirmed it. The guy has no brains.

Imagine after all that Trump has done, and indeed not done, Ian plays to his ego more by having another top professional golfer in his insidious Oval Offic by playing to his own ego.

And Ian authoritatively and pompously claims ‘there has been so much history in the Oval Office’. Yes Ian. A couple of months ago when a deceitful but powerful set of cowards humiliated one of the bravest and most noble men in the world, President Zelensky, as part of their ongoing clown show to bring down the biggest democracy in the world. Ian you are an idiot.

And what a parlous state America is in now with the marines being deployed in LA. Isn’t this obviously another distraction and one more move to a power grab and authoritarianism? Because things are not going well in the polls for Trump. He hasn’t achieved much on the world stage (he has indeed had a negative influence!). And he is obviously now worried about the mid-terms and true to his manipulative game-book is now attempting to interfere with the fair democratic process. And haven’t we seen him try this before?! January 6 springs to mind.

Oh deary me. Anyway on a positive note St Andrews is divine with warm breezes, sea swimming, beautiful golf links, lovely people.

I met the most wonderful family from California on my food tour last week. They were divine. Steve and RoseAnn Bounds and their delightful boys and partners. We had a wonderful evening of laughs and friendship. What a family.

And today charming Gregory and Donna from Dallas. What a delight too. They told me about their food tour experiences. The best one in Bilbao by a local dude who took them around some cool tapas joints (eight I think)) and had a wee drop of wine and a very tasty bite at each one. Whey hey! What a formula.

But would that all America was like these people. These are the great American people (what really makes America great)and boy they are impressive. It’s just a tragedy that a third of Americans are a bunch of orcs in their dark caves.

On my drinking I have to admit that I had a wee half bottle of red to celebrate my birthday. I am feeling like I maybe can’t stop totally if I am absolutely honest. I do know I have to be incredibly careful here. But like Alastair Campbell who only drinks in the company of his wife I kind of so much want that more than absolute abstinence. Sorry if I disappoint some people. But it makes me quite unhappy the other way. Life is short. Every human situation is of course different.

I do feel I have come a long way too as well though. I do love having great sleeps and looking and feeling well. And nothing would drag me back to my old days of habitual drinking. I really don’t want that or to be that person. But a few nice glasses of wine or beer (not whisky!) at the right time and place is an immense pleasure to me.

Fare forward passengers