I will just rub it into all my fellow golfing friends to let them know that I am teeing off the Old Course at 8.40am ! Not a bad spot to live here in St Andrews, especially if you like the gowf.

Now I have been abstemious with respect to alcohol for over two weeks now and I won’t lie in saying that the last few days have been tough in getting my head around this. But I am feeling great and looking better and have a lighter and more positive mood. So I will go on.

I have had some great fun tours in Edinburgh and met some great and inspiring people. What a job to get to walk around Auld Reekie and show off this wonderful city.

I have my first food tour in St Andrews next week so hopefully that will go swimmingly.

Now what about McIlroy winning the Masters like that! Wow and wow and I would even venture a wow. This guy has a very rare talent and reminds me of Sevvy back in the day when he was most inspired. Ok he hasn’t quite got Sevvy’s charisma and looks but heho. Who has?

Blustering, pumped up Dechambeau showed everything that is wrong with America at the moment. All show and bravado and high five frontage. This Oval Office veneer. But what is really there deep down? Well not a lot. The American dream is fading. And it collapsed on Sunday night with hollow Mr Dechambeau. Prescient or what?

But I won’t go into American politics too much as I get way to annoyed with the travesty that is happening across there. It’s terrifying and unbelievable. Heaven help them with numpty Trumpy and his cast of crooks.

Anyway I have my new simple swing thought out today which is just getting a good turn and shoulder past my chin. Simple is good.

Fare forward passengers.

At this point I have really very little inclination to have a drink but I know the craving kicks back in about 10 to 11 days. Well not just the craving but the thought that this thing is too much to give up on and I start planning how I am going to do it, fit it in, have control mechanisms for it. I romanticise about going to Edinburgh and hanging out Jeffrey Barnard like (Spectator Low Life columnist-now dead) in the Tynecastle Arms by an open fire and having mellow thoughts about and with a pint of Guinness. I was doing this sort of thinking 2 weeks ago.

I read that the mind at this stage (just under 2 weeks from a binge) is still influenced by the alcohol and it tricks you, lowers the self-defence against it. It’s cunning. It’s a trickery. So I am watching out big time the next few days.

I must admit that I did have a slightly idealistic thought that it would be nice to have a wee drink as an old man. I remember Samuel Johnson saying that. He was asked by Boswell why he didn’t drink and he said that he always tended towards excess and ‘that he would only drink again when he was a very old man’. Note the word ‘very’ here. He knew.

Yesterday dreamlike in St Andrews as the sun shone brightly and I hit golf balls in the salt fresh air and I felt strong and hopeful and wanting to put my energy into things. If I think about it I have a very good gig here. I live in a beautiful place with a wonderful wife, have a lovely little garden and flat and I enjoy my tour guiding and my friends and am healthy. Ok it’s not perfect but whose is. Drink was my desire to have it all which is born in fantasy. I am a dreamer for sure. But drink brings nightmares, real ones and nightmare scenarios.

Anyway I will post in about a week and here’s hoping.

Thanks for following. I got a very nice email last week from someone who is. It was so nice of him to verbalise that.

A pretty hellish 48 hours full of utter angst and paranoia and feeling physically crap. It’s been hard going out to visit Yoriko’s mum and then go to visit her Dad in hospital.

It’s hard to believe that I thought a few drinks the other night was a good thing. That I didn’t see the trigger there. The likely eventuality, The probable chaos and mess and danger that lurked. But I was sucked in big time. I was elated at the thought of escaping for a few beers in the belief that I could do it. And this is the devil of it.

CBT is all about recognising these situations and the triggers, isolating them, and ideally dealing with them. And that’s a good tool I think. I did this last week when I talked myself out of going for a beer after I did a tour in Edinburgh. It took about a minute , a mental leap, a talk to myself. And I was proud of myself as I held it up and sidestepped a possible disaster. I need to really watch for these triggers, step back from stuff, fast forward situations. This is hugely important.

On a personal note I got the most beautiful message from a friend who had read my first blog on this. It was so heart rendering and so so kind and caring of him. Thank you Ben. You are a special human being and I am lucky to have a friend like you. Very.

Tomorrow we fly back from Japan. It’s been a very difficult few days indeed with all the issues with Yoriko’s dad and now her mum. It’s very sad.

Life can be hard. But I need to be strong now in so many ways. Like my amazing wife. She has an iron will.

I will give an update in a few days folks.

You see I have a serious drink problem and I want to now fly the flag and let everyone out there know. It’s hopefully going to help me in my recovery too.

I have had issues with alcohol for years now. I am a binge drinker and tend to go off every couple of weeks on one. It’s not pretty. And I have got myself in a ton of trouble over the years with it. And here I am now nearly 63 and I’m still not really dealing with it. And I am so sorry everyone for being a bit self indulgent here but I need to try everything that is going to help me try and knock this on the head once and for all.

So I will be doing a daily blog to keep me focussed on what I am feeling and experiencing and hopefully keeping me with it. I pray I can.

It’s a hard thing as anyone who has experienced it will surely tell you. I had a lovely guy on a food tour last year who when I said we are going up to the Rusacks bar to start off, took me aside and spoke very seriously and indeed openly about his past issues. He had been in an awfully bad place and to his credit has now been sober 35 years! How I admire this strength.

And listening to him struck such a chord with me. I kind of thought well sir I am in the same boat but I am in denial. I thought I was smarter than it and could play the game time and time again. But I can’t.

So here I am on Day 1 after a massive session in Japan when I went out and painted the town all sorts of colours. It was a nightmare. And now I suffer big time.

Please follow me and keep an eye on my journey. This is critical for me and I am sorry to come on so heavy all of a sudden. But this I think can help me. Kind of putting it out there. And boy do I need help with this cunning beast. It gets hold of you.

So I am lying in bed now at 23.09 and I just can’t relax. It the DT’s again. It’s awful. Been here on so many occasions I’m afraid. I just look to the next few days and hope I can come out ok from this. I really must be doing awful damage to my nervous system and organs. I am a mess. I am scared too now as this could end up so badly for me. I have to finally show some responsibility to myself and own up to this, hands high and keep a million miles from a drop touching my lips.

Thank you everyone.