At this point I have really very little inclination to have a drink but I know the craving kicks back in about 10 to 11 days. Well not just the craving but the thought that this thing is too much to give up on and I start planning how I am going to do it, fit it in, have control mechanisms for it. I romanticise about going to Edinburgh and hanging out Jeffrey Barnard like (Spectator Low Life columnist-now dead) in the Tynecastle Arms by an open fire and having mellow thoughts about and with a pint of Guinness. I was doing this sort of thinking 2 weeks ago.
I read that the mind at this stage (just under 2 weeks from a binge) is still influenced by the alcohol and it tricks you, lowers the self-defence against it. It’s cunning. It’s a trickery. So I am watching out big time the next few days.
I must admit that I did have a slightly idealistic thought that it would be nice to have a wee drink as an old man. I remember Samuel Johnson saying that. He was asked by Boswell why he didn’t drink and he said that he always tended towards excess and ‘that he would only drink again when he was a very old man’. Note the word ‘very’ here. He knew.
Yesterday dreamlike in St Andrews as the sun shone brightly and I hit golf balls in the salt fresh air and I felt strong and hopeful and wanting to put my energy into things. If I think about it I have a very good gig here. I live in a beautiful place with a wonderful wife, have a lovely little garden and flat and I enjoy my tour guiding and my friends and am healthy. Ok it’s not perfect but whose is. Drink was my desire to have it all which is born in fantasy. I am a dreamer for sure. But drink brings nightmares, real ones and nightmare scenarios.
Anyway I will post in about a week and here’s hoping.
Thanks for following. I got a very nice email last week from someone who is. It was so nice of him to verbalise that.